I am not going to lie. It is difficult for me to feel thankful around any time of year, let alone thanksgiving (Canadian) or when the holidays begins to roll around, when the circumstances of my life point me towards anger or denial.
My parents are unhappily divorced just as they were unhappily married. I fight with one of my sisters all the time and she doesn’t like to listen to my advice. The other one is about to be a confused preteen who no one will understand anymore because hormones. My family never spends much time together anymore largely because no one can stand five minutes of each other.
Yet when I was growing up my father was my idol. I even remember saying when I’m grown up I’m going to marry my daddy and then I had to be told that Daddy was already married to mommy so that couldn’t work.
Now its hard to look at my father square in the eye now knowing the pain he has caused my mother.
As for my mother, who I sided with and obeyed for almost my whole life, I no longer have patience. There is no excuse for wallowing in self pity and failing to take ownership of one’s own actions while placing blame on everyone around you instead.
So I say again, it is definitely difficult for me at times to be thankful. It is far easier for me to simply complain about how unfair life is and to compare my situation and shortcomings with those more fortunate than I. I smile and also ache inside every time I see a happy family walk nearby.
But I will ruminate on what I can be thankful about and despite what I’ve said, I am still thankful for my life, for my love and for my family.
1. I am still thankful for my mother who nurtured me and raised me until I could stand on my own two feet. We have many differences now but I miss you everyday.
2. I am still thankful for my father who helped me become more understanding. I know you’ve made mistakes but hope in life time can heal all wounds. I will never forget that I was once daddy’s little girl.
3. I am thankful for my sisters whom I love with all my heart. When I was sick you brought me pho and fed me from your spoon. When my belly was unwell you rubbed it for me. I will always love you two, even when you’re being dumb and stupid and naive. I will always love you two.
4. I am thankful for my loving partner who has been my pillar all these trying years. The one person I can always rely on, fall into and melt away into oblivion. You’re not the same boy I met at 14. How we’ve grown.
5. I’m thankful for my Bagel – a source of furry fun on days where I feel empty made whole again by kind kisses and dog drool and more. There is something like wisdom in your beautiful old eyes now framed by wrinkles and greys, my friend.
6. I am thankful for my health, for the roof over my head, the food on my table and the clothes on my back. I am grateful for I still remember when all we ate was congee.
This post if anything, is a reminder to myself and to anyone out there who has experienced heart-ache in life that no matter what, there is always something or someone in life to be thankful for. This is the medicine that will make you strong again.
Happy thanksgiving and don’t forget to really breathe and think upon what you are truly grateful for in life.